Posted By Johnny Heller on July 10, 2012
FOR THE HELL OF IT VOL. 3 No. 6
MEANDERINGS, MUSINGS AND BALDERDASH
Administrator’s Note: The following column contains explicit language that may not be suitable for all readers. Every iconic symbol has been used to mediate this language, but, hey, if you are reading this, and came here of your own volition, you get what you get. *I’m just saying…) *(that one’s for Tavia)
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT NEWS…..
There’s a new film out – well it may have already come and gone actually – about who actually wrote the plays credited to William Shakespeare. The film is called Anonymous and it opened to tepid reviews – not unlike those given to Twelfth Night when it first opened to cries from the audience of: “Dude’s a chick man! How could you not know that? Jeez. Seriously, what the helleth?”
Many local theater goers would meet after Shakespeare’s plays at the local – called Stratford-on-Avon Calling House (known far and wide as Avon Calling) – and discuss the evening’s entertainment. They would say things like:
“Did you see the knobethes on Julia? Me liketh mightily and hope have I of romantically rogering her!”
“Reallyeth? Julia was portrayed by young oik Alan what keeps Old Barnaby’s sheep. The fairer sex are not allowed to trod the boards thus they be played by lads of tender years and fair of face.”
“Sooth dudeth. …Gay much?”
“Fie! Caster of aspersions! I consort not with my own kind! – except for fleet week.”
“Fair enough. Fleet week is special.”
“Right. Rogering Roger on Thursdays is true to form and none can other.”
“Sooth. …and Brian.”
“But on your days off –“
“Then, of course, my intercourse is in standard course.”
“Well said! You should write a play to rival Shakespeare!”
“Verily my ribald rivals could rival Will but I fear no one can write as well or oft.”
“There are those would say he write not the plays but for his name. Penned by another they say.”
“What?! What other?”
“Ernie of Bumbledy Dumbwater on Japeny near Our Lady of the Long Fingerwarts.”
“Ernie, he who slops the pigs and shares their wit? It cannot be.
It must only be Will what writes the plays
and no Ernie, no Tom, no Rick.
To argue ‘gainst thus would make of one a dyck.”
And that should put an end to it. Will Shakespeare wrote the works of Will Shakespeare. No question about it. When you read any of his plays, it will say “Such and Such” by William Shakespeare. That’s a dead giveaway.
Also note how many times he uses the same ridiculous plot based on seeming vs. being – or fantasy vs. reality. Every comedy has a ludicrous story based on a bunch of guys not recognizing that the babe they love is not a babe because she’s wearing men’s clothes and is, therefore, a man. In short – the male characters are idiots.
In the histories, the hero is done in due to hubris.
There you go. The works of Shakespeare summarized in a page and one half. Now hand over your tuition loot
MORE ENTERTAINMENT NEWS…..
By the time you read this, you will already have heard that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are getting a divorce. News reports have suggested that the split was caused by Holmes’ desire to bring up six-year-old daughter Suri as a Catholic and not as a Scientologist.
Holmes was raised a Catholic, a faith that while not without its problems is still the Church founded by St. Peter and the progenitor of all Christian sects. Scientology is a religion created by a science fiction writer. Nuff said.
I believe the real issue is Holmes couldn’t live with Cruise after he told her he was going to be playing Jack Reacher in the film version of Lee Childs’ One Shot:
“I love Lee Childs!” Holmes reportedly said. “Who are you playing?”
“Jack Reacher,” Cruise replied.
“What?!” Holmes cried. “Jack Reacher is like 6’12” or something. He’s huge. It’s part of who he is. What are you – 5’1”?”
“I’ll be standing on boxes and the rest of the cast will be acting from trenches and the camera angles will all be shot from below my waist and looking upward –“
“Jack Reacher? Really? You? Did they ask Jim Caviezel? Are you really -?”
“I’m playing Jack Reacher – I’ll be great! I’m so into this role! It’s the bestest role ever! I loooovvvve it!” Cruise gleefully shouted.
“Get off the damn couch!” Holmes yelled. “I bought into your stuff about us being immortal aliens trapped in these bodies – and I’m glad we got nice ones by the way – and I’m trying to get into the rocketship in the future but this? You playing Jack Reacher? I cannot accept. We’re out of here!”
And that’s how I think it went down. It certainly would’ve done it for me.
IN THE ACTUAL NEWS
A small town outside of Boston, Middleborough, MA has – by a 185-50 vote – banned profanity. The law, aimed against inappropriate behavior and foul language usage by troublesome teens carries a $20 penalty per infraction.
An anonymous town spokesperson had this to say: “Those little peckerwoods – standin around the corners with ‘F- this and their F-that’. It isn’t right. There’s better adjectives to use like ‘tarnation’ and ‘gol-durned’ and ‘scum-suckin-tiny-d$cked-a$$hat’ – what’s wrong with trying that out? $20 dollars is a lot of money to those little sh@t bags and I hope they learn a lesson about manners after they get caught cussin a few times. ….little f#ck nuts. I hate em.”
Another townie said: “Next we’re goin after their dang music. Don’t mind the beat but why so loud? And their pants! What in the wide wide world of sports are their pants doing below their butts? We don’t need to see their skivvies. And if we can’t fine ‘em for exposing their shorts, I say we make it an obligation of every red blooded American citizen to pull down their pants some more so they can only waddle, and then push ‘em over like punk weebles and when they fall down, if they curse at you, you get to taser their nut sacks. Seems fair to me. Full disclosure though – I like taserin’nut sacks so pretty much any excuse….”
Local teens and citizens with a passing knowledge of even parts of the Constitution were taken aback.
“Holy sh@t!” said Brian Applebee, 17, and really annoying. “We have, you know, what you call em – what army guys died for – Rights! Yeah Rights! You can’t like, tax us an’ sh@t cuz, I mean, f#ck dude, what the f#ck? Ya know?”
The ACLU also called the new law “bat sh@t crazy” and plans to fight “the sh@t out of it” promising to take it all the way to the “f#cking Supreme Court” saying the “Supreme Court is liberal as hell now – damn man, they even declared Obamacare – an obvious abuse of the Constitution to be constitutional – we are gonna take down this b$tch anti-swearing law – no problem!”
DULL TO PARTNER WITH BORING….
Dull, Scotland has successfully become the sister city of Boring, Oregon as both town councils voted in favor of the proposal.
Dull is known for lovely highlands, sweeping panoramas of sheep dung and peat moss. Boring, on the other hand, is known far and wide as the place the railroad used to go through and the current home of Red Pig Garden Tools.
“We feel the link between our two towns will really bring in the tourist trade and, if nothing else, give us something to chat about,” said a Boring council member. “We never knew too much about Scotland and we still don’t. …I suppose they make scotch tape there… I once had about two boxes of scotch tape in the attic – no….no…it was in the crawl space, not the attic because I remember that the last time I went to look for some tape… I was taping up a present that I bought for my sister’s little girl, her names Nell. Lovely girl. She was having her 10th birthday and I bought her a little doll …or a doll house. Yes! It was a doll house and I had found some wrapping paper… I believe the paper had been used at one time as paper on another large gift but I don’t recall who it was for. Shirley would remember. She’s my wife. She has a great memory. I could call her I suppose… Of course I don’t think she’s at home right now… Anyhoo, I had to bend down to get at the tape and my back went out. That’s how I remember that the tape was in the crawlspace and not in the attic. Had it been in the attic I don’t suppose my back would’ve given a moment of trouble but down in the crawlspace, you see, I had to bend way over and I heard a loud pop! I was certainly taken aback you bet! ….get it? Taken a-back? My back went out – right? Heh. Heh. Just a little humor. Did I say Nell was 10? I think I may have been wrong. I think she was just 9 then… Again, Shirley would remember and… Hey! Where ya going?”
In Dull, a councilmember said what sounded like this: “Ach! Thass Great! That is! Oh ach! Ya man! Ta be linked to a place in the states! Iss like a dream coom troooo! Ach. Hey! Watch me kilt – there’s a breeze coomin’! Ahhhhh! Felt that right up me stuff. Well les go down an have celebratoreee haggis an whiskey! Issss a gran day! Say! Woood you be interested in seein my great huge collection of scotch tape? It’s in me attic. Noooo. My crawl space I think. Either way, it’s really big. C’mon. …where ya goin?”
And finally, this thought:
I’ve always wanted to go up to those really slow moving Tai Chi guys and say:
“You guys gonna be awhile?”